And Polo said: ‘The inferno of the living is not something that will be; if there is one, it is what is already here, the inferno where we live everyday, that we form by being together. There are two ways to escape suffering it. The first is easy for many: accept the inferno and become such a part of it that you can no longer see it. The second is risky and demands constant vigilance and apprehension: seek and learn to recognize who and what, in the midst of the inferno, are not the inferno, then make them endure, give them space.’What does that have to do with anything? Well, it is a great summation of the motivation behind my great life quest. It is not the be all and end all, but I find it quite charming.
And, so, then, why have I brought this up? Read-on, dear readership, read on!
My housemate has been attending some seminars. She seems to enjoy them and tells me they are interesting. So, like everything, I weigh what she says against the kind of person I perceive in her: kind, sweet, honest, intelligent, balanced, exuberant.
So, when I was invited to attend one of these seminars that offered an introduction, I made my commitment and went with my open-mind and in support of my housemate. Try new things!
I showed up a little before 7pm and headed over to the Radisson just off Odana Road (Mom and Jen stayed there when I graduated from the university). I was greeted by some friendly folks, shown to the registration table, and immediately ran into my housemate, her parents, then later her sister and grandfather. I felt welcome and comfortable.
Judy took the stage and sat in a black movie director chair. She began making a presentation/introductory speech, the monologue. It was aimed mostly at the Wisconsinite. I understood the concepts on which the humor was based, but this was not the heady academic lecture I am accustomed to. Fine. Judy’s monologue went on for a long time. I learned I was in a room of people who were finishing up a course, new people with no experience (like me), people that have completed the pre-requisite course only (which I will get to), and others who were in varying degrees of completing many courses some of whom were people identified as “certified” “gold name tag” volunteers.
Then, it was time for testimonials. A few people stood up and told about their breakthroughs. There were tears on their part, and mine (since I cry at absolutely everything, it seems). My housemate even gave a testimonial. I thought that was brave, since there were at least 100 people in the room, and because the topic was ENTIRELY personal and, for her, heart wrenching. After the testimonials, there was a little more monologue, courtesy of Judy, which they explained was part of the “conversation”.
We were offered to register immediately for the pre-requisite course, the Landmark Forum. For only $440 we could create unimaginable “possibilities” for ourselves and create “breakthroughs” in all areas of our lives. Yes, I too could meet the man of my dreams, make money, travel, be a better communicator, and be alive. These promises of men and money and travel and art and communication were all too good to be true. The dates of the “forum” were clearly posted, the cost clearly noted, how to fill out the most basic form ever, clearly explained. Why had I not yet signed up? $440? Inside my head: a deeply rooted skeptic.
I asked my housemate who gets paid. Judy was the only paid employee in the room.
We reconvened after the initial registration period. Two volunteer instructors came up on stage and explained that they would be taking the new ones away to give them a better more intimate understanding of the Landmark Forum. Sure. I went with Jaime’s group. There were five of us, all women, put into a room with about eight of them.
This is where I should mention my state of mind. I like to have new experiences, try new things. At this point, I’m still keeping an open mind, and trying to mask my extreme skepticism. One must try new things.
So, in this room, we began a dialogue we called a “conversation.” I would like to think I have the facility to put into exact terms my sentiments and/or opinions, and certainly am entitled to use my own words when requested; that we had buzzwords was making me frustrated and uneasy. As we are going through an exercise work-book I am openly participating in the “conversation.” Great. We were individually working toward having our first “breakthrough.” Although it should be noted that it would not compare in significance to the “breakthroughs” we could have if we registered for the Landmark Forum.
Some of the other women in the room included: the close-minded uber-skeptic, the one with money problems, a proud and supportive mother, and the woman with a shallow relationship with Jesus and her husband. Yes, we worked through our workbooks trying to have a “breakthrough.” As I tried to explain my points I felt forcefully steered into using terms I did not agree with, words that did not exactly describe what I was communicating. Likewise, I was not encouraged to have interactions with the other women in the other newbies in the room. I was frustrated and irritated, but thought that this was not important in the scheme of things. Similar things happened to the rest of the women in the room. We gave up a little reality and personal self-expression to this buzzword-laden institution. I can see this now, but could not see this at the time.
At the end of the work-book exercise we had to state out loud the “possibility” we had invented for ourselves. Yes, listen here, my possibility I invented for my self was that I would be to become well-balanced! Yes, well-balanced! Apparently I was doing a bad job balancing, oh, I don’t know, among other things, three jobs, numerous side projects, loads of great invaluable relationships that span across the country and the world, my physical and mental health, and my artistic and creative evolutions. They must be right, I’m not well balanced and I need to invent this possibility for myself. So, I state this possibility I want to invent for myself to my partner; she is one of the outnumbering volunteers in the room. And she asks me what “that” looks like. What? So we have a frustrating dialogue that goes:
What does that look like?
What do you mean?
What does that look like?
I don’t understand the question. Do you mean what does being well-balanced look like? Or, what? What does someone who is well-balanced look like? I don’t understand.
What does well-balanced look like to you?
Uhhhh… I’m a visual sort of person. Do you want to know what color well-balanced is? What shapes? I could tell you that!
What does well-balanced look like to you?
[Insert mental commentary here] It looks like me, sitting here, maybe in some fresher clothes.
This volunteer chick then tells me what she wrote. Initially, that she wants to have a lasting relationship. Then, we work our way through and she says “contribution.” She wants to be a contribution to the relationship, to him. Uhhh…ok, sure. I ask her what that looks like, and she never answers.
My state of mind: I was feeling uncomfortable and uneasy, something was happening, and must not make any big decisions now.
We were given a break. I went outside immediately to walk around. I never sit that long. It’s about 10:30 and I had been mostly sitting since 7:00. We reconvened and found the uber-skeptic had gone home. This final section of lecture was to soften us up. Jaime told a story about one of his “breakthroughs” that made me cry. Remember, I cry at everything, so this incident bore little consequential weight for me. There was also some interesting material about things we know we know and things we know we don’t know and things we don’t know we don’t know—“the blind spot.” We were promised we would make “breakthroughs” in areas located in that “blind spot” (sort of little blind spot surprises), but only if we registered for the Landmark Forum.
Then, right into the hard sell. It cost $440 to register for the Landmark Forum! Money should not matter. It’s only $440. Isn’t your life more important than that? It was an intense sell. We were told to register and fill out our evaluation forms before we left.
I filled out my evaluation form. The comments sections read something like, “I found the material covered to be fascinating. I imagine it can cause profound change in a person’s life. I will seriously consider taking the Landmark Forum.” No joke. By the end of this session I felt confused enough to write, “I will seriously consider taking the Landmark Forum.” But I was conscious enough to know I would not sign up then and there.
The “contribution” chick leaned over to me and directly asked me if I was signing up. Then said, as she gazed at me, in a flat tone, “Before the Landmark Forum, I didn’t know that anything was possible. I got to do what I thought was not possible. I moved downtown. I got rid of my car. My parents look over the $6000 loan. I can walk to work now because I got a job at the Red Cross. I screen blood. Before the Landmark Forum I didn’t even know I existed.”
Still not sold? Jaime asked me directly if I was registering. I said I had to think about it. He pressured me into saying I would decide right then and there. I argued and said I would decide before I left, but would sleep on it—that’s how I work. My housemate came in and asked how it went. “Well. It was very interesting.” She and Jaime both asked if I was going to sign up for the Forum. Again, “I will decide before I leave and sleep on it.” There was a great expectation that I would sign up, but I had a little voice saying tomorrow this will all be different.
I left the little room and stepped in to the hallway. There, people were convening and saying hello. I realized that maybe all of these people go to support their friends or family and that none of them get out regularly to meet new people often enough. This was downright social. Maybe this sort of setting is good for people, for these people at least. I walked my housemate’s mom to her car, then headed to mine. They all seemed happy and ready to do things they didn’t believe they could do. Maybe they forgot to believe in the infinite number of possibilities, or maybe they never imagined them. People, there is always possibility!
While I drove home I was thinking that it could be nice to live to an idealized, super-human potential, that I am not yet able to begin to understand. And for only $440 I could experience the amazing. Besides, I spent more money on school clothes this year. I’m not going to lie, I considered registering for the class.
I went home and Googled Landmark Education to find out its history and a little bit more about it other than things self-published. I talked with my housemate briefly, then went to sleep on my indecision. In the morning it was clear to me what had happened. It became clear that the Landmark Forum is not for me—it’s not my style at all. Frankly, Landmark Forum gives me the creeps. Yet, I still see the benefits it could offer other people, most notably the sense of belonging and of community.
It’s amazing that all of those people can be motivated and pay to become a volunteer; while they volunteer out of the goodness of their hearts to help other people like them, they are making money for such a small percentage of that company. I, of course, am uncomfortable and dislike the money component of this group. So many making money for so few! And why? I think about my kids in Chile, my friend Brian’s work in Honduras, people and other causes in need of support. Why not help them? Wouldn’t it provide the same things: meeting people, feeling involved, valued, being constructive, successful, happy and productive—feeling like a contribution?
The reality is, what I want out of my life is exactly what I have. I knew that last week, I know that today. Yes, I continue to think it is important to have new experiences. Learn! Change! My plan is to keep experiencing life with constant vigilance and apprehension: seeking and learning to recognize who and what, in the midst of the inferno, are not the inferno, then making them endure, giving them space.
So, if you desire to escape the inferno, I am able to teach you how. Come. Bring $440.
